My dream

“And people who don’t dream, who don’t have any kind of imaginative life, they must…they must go nuts. I can’t Imagine that”
– Stephen King

I haven’t made a post in forever even though i’ve been wanting to and even though no one reads them haha.

A year ago today you had passed away. I couldn’t sleep last night and was thinking about you constantly. I finally fell asleep at 5am. While I was asleep, I was having dreams about you (Which i’ve never had before and it’s a coincidence that this dream occurred on your 1-year anniversary). Not just a regular dream, but i’m pretty sure you visited me in my dream because it felt SO real and I felt SO happy and I know you did to because we were able to see eachother again. I don’t remember much of the beginning, but I do remember that I traveled to your home to visit you, and met your family for the first time. We went upstairs to your room to talk one-to-one. I don’t really think anything was said in the dream, but we just looked at eachother and started kissing. I felt the desire to wanting to kiss eachother in the dream before it happened, and when we finally did.. I felt your lips against mine and as I did, I felt love. I didn’t want to stop, but I could also feel how intense it was becoming and where it was going to lead to, and then you stopped and said either “not yet” or “not now”, but I can’t remember. After, your sister came into the room and I woke up. I was happy and sad when I woke up. Sad because it was only a dream and you’re no longer physically here and I didn’t want to wake up from it, but happy because of how real it felt and how badly I wanted to share a moment like that with you after a long time and I finally did even though it was in a dream.

Backstory: I used to play this computer game that was online when I was 13, and I made friends with a guy on there who was 15. We ended up becoming good friends, talking everyday via MSN, texting, etc. When I turned 15 and he was 17 we started a “long-distance” relationship. I was head-over-heels in love with him. When I turned 16 I ended things because I couldn’t handle the distance at a young age and wanted to experience a real-life relationship even though I loved him very much. Years later when I was 20 and he was 22, we finally met in-person while I was visiting family in a state he lived in and seeing him face to face instead of through a webcam and pictures, it’s like I fell inlove all over again with him (We kissed for the first time this day, and only once. I’ll remember it forever). We met a few years later again after in 2016 (i think), and little did I know that that would be the last time i’ll ever see him again. Unfortunately, a year ago today in 2021 he had passed away. I was planning on seeing him since I planned to go down and see family that year, but it was too late. My heart broke and to this day I still think about him all the time and cry. I loved him so much and still do. Any relationship I had after him, I always compared how I feel about whoever I was dating to how I felt about him and he always won. Jonathan, if you could read this from wherever you are up there.. I love you and miss you, and I hope you’re finally at peace.

May 8, 2022 0

Favorite Poem-

The Old Astronomer by Sarah Williams

Reach me down my Tycho Brahe,—I would know him when we meet,
When I share my later science, sitting humbly at his feet;
He may know the law of all things, yet be ignorant of how
We are working to completion, working on from then till now.

Pray, remember, that I leave you all my theory complete,
Lacking only certain data, for your adding as is meet;
And remember, men will scorn it, ’tis original and true,
And the obloquy of newness may fall bitterly on you.

But, my pupil, as my pupil you have learnt the worth of scorn;
You have laughed with me at pity, we have joyed to be forlorn;
What, for us, are all distractions of men’s fellowship and smiles?
What, for us, the goddess Pleasure, with her meretricious wiles?

You may tell that German college that their honour comes too late. But they must not waste repentance on the grizzly savant’s fate;
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

What, my boy, you are not weeping? You should save your eyes for sight;
You will need them, mine observer, yet for many another night.
I leave none but you, my pupil, unto whom my plans are known.
You “have none but me,” you murmur, and I “leave you quite alone”?

Well then, kiss me,—since my mother left her blessing on my brow,
There has been a something wanting in my nature until now;
I can dimly comprehend it,—that I might have been more kind,
Might have cherished you more wisely, as the one I leave behind.

I “have never failed in kindness”? No, we lived too high for strife,—
Calmest coldness was the error which has crept into our life;
But your spirit is untainted, I can dedicate you still

To the service of our science: you will further it? you will!

There are certain calculations I should like to make with you,
To be sure that your deductions will be logical and true;
And remember, “Patience, Patience,” is the watchword of a sage,
Not to-day nor yet to-morrow can complete a perfect age.

I have sworn, like Tycho Brahe, that a greater man may reap;
But if none should do my reaping, ’twill disturb me in my sleep.
So be careful and be faithful, though, like me, you leave no name;
See, my boy, that nothing turn you to the mere pursuit of fame.

I must say Good-bye, my pupil, for I cannot longer speak;
Draw the curtain back for Venus, ere my vision grows too weak:
It is strange the pearly planet should look red as fiery Mars,—
God will mercifully guide me on my way amongst the stars.

February 4, 2020 0

My Motivation

Everything I do, I do for you–

I’ve always dreamed of becoming a psychiatrist, but sometimes life happens and things don’t always go as planned. My depression got to me and I couldn’t focus on school as much as I would’ve liked to, so I took a year off from college in 2013. My grandparents are the loves of my life and around Easter of 2014 my grandfather ended up becoming sick and was constantly in and out of the hospital. I decided to go to CNA school (which was only a 2 month class) so I could gain knowledge and help take care of him at my grandmother’s house instead of him staying in a hospital or nursing home because all he wanted to do during that time was be in the comfort of his own home. Eventually, he was moved into Hospice in early July of 2014. I would go to work everyday until 4pm and then go to class 5 days a week right after work until 9pm at night. In between I would squeeze time in to make sure I was able to see him and spend any free time I had with him and my family in that hospice room. There wasn’t a minute or hour that one of us wasn’t there. Unfortunately, he had passed about 2 weeks before I was due to graduate and I still never once missed a class. He was in some sort of induced coma during his short time in Hospice. I remember the night he died, my family and I were all in his room talking to eachother. I had to leave for class so I went over to him and gave him a kiss goodbye on his forehead, told him where I was going and reminded him that I loved him. I got a call from my mom after I got out of class telling me to make sure I came straight home after school and I already knew from that call that I know what that meant. He passed away peacefully with my grandmother sitting next to him in his room. Just him and my grandmother, finally alone together without anyone else in the family being around. That brought peace to me because it’s like it’s something that he’s been waiting for and wanting before he decided to let go. Him and his wife. Alone with nobody else around. I was so heartbroken and sad to the point where I couldn’t even cry and I didn’t for a long time.. not even at the funeral. He was 76 years old and still young in my eyes. I was also angry for a long time and I maybe still am, but not at him.

My grandfather always wanted me to make something of myself. He wanted to see me succeed in life and never struggle. He wanted me to graduate college and pursue a career in something that I loved to do. He supported any decision that I made no matter what. He was my best friend, my go to, my father figure and my hero. Never in a million years did I think he would pass so suddenly and at such a semi-young age the way he did. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve never thought of pursuing a career in nursing. I gave up my dream of being a Psychiatrist after I screwed up in college the first time. Wanting to take care of him, the amazing nursing staff in the hospice, and the amazing care he received in the hospitals and how comfortable he was before his passing made me want to keep going and get my nursing degree. I’ve always loved helping people and taking care of people so I thought why stop here as a CNA? I feel as if he helped me figure out what I truly was meant to do. Today i’m in my last semester and will be graduating with my LPN in May 2020. Next adventure is going for my RN. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of him. When I feel like i’m drowning in life between work and school, doubting myself that i’ll never be able to pass nursing school and how I feel like I can’t do this anymore and want to give up.. I remind myself WHY i’m doing this and who i’m exactly doing it for and then I think about my grandfather and how he’s my whole reason for everything. I want him to see me succeed even if it’s in spirit form that he’s watching. I know he’s always with me through my journey and I know that he’s smiling down at me and if he were physically here, he’d be so proud of me. I wish I could give him a big hug and thank him for everything he’s done. He’s what is helping me go forward and he’s my motivation. Everything I do, I do for him.

Thank you for being you, I love you and will see you again someday.

January 31, 2020 0

Somewhat of a background

Growing up as a child I’ve always told myself “I’m so lucky to have the friends and family that I do.” Never in a million years did I think that things would turn out the way they did. I come from a small, tight-knit family. I’m an only child with a mother who has always been present and who’s my rock in life and I also have an absent father who’s never been around. My mom has 3 siblings. 2 sisters and a brother. I have many cousins that make up for my lack of siblings and we are all pretty close in age (I’m the oldest out of all of them). My mom also had 2 childhood friends and I’ve grown up with their kids who were the same age as me throughout my life that I consider my “sisters”. When I think back to my childhood, I think about happiness and how much of a happy child I was. I had the best of friends and an amazing family. My childhood was filled with family trips, Sunday dinners, constant family get togethers and good times with friends. What more could I have asked for as a child? Once 2011 hit (I turned 18 that year), it’s like everything went downhill from there. In May, there was a sudden and unexpected death in my family from a hiking tragedy. My great-uncle was white water rafting and fell out of the raft due to extremely rough waters and drowned. I could only imagine the fear and suffering that was going through his mind at the time that I still think about from time to time to this day. He was a US Korean War Air Force Veteran and also worked in the Veterans home after his time in the army. Around that time and after all of that happened is when I started to become severely depressed and almost every year after that it seemed like there was tragedy after tragedy that involved my friends and family. To this day I still struggle with my depression. I have more bad days than good some weeks. It all doesn’t stem from just that one incident, but many other things that have happened in my life afterwards which i’ll eventually write about. My family is still close to eachother as they were while I was growing up, but there are people who are now missing pieces due to deaths that I feel should’ve never happened and could have been prevented which makes me feel angry inside. When I thought about my future as I was growing up, I didn’t think that certain people would’ve left this world so soon. I never thought that I would develop depression and feel so angry that I couldn’t seem to figure out why, I never thought that the friends I grew up with would turn out the way they did (some of them), I never thought that I would ever think about ending my life or even harming myself and I certainly would have never thought that things would turn out the way they did if I was to compare then to now. Life happens and tragedy happens and it’s not always fair and it’s not always something you’d expect. You learn to pick yourself up and go on because you can’t turn back time and change things as much as you’d want to. Have too high of expectations and you’ll just end up disappointed in the end. We all hit rough patches in life and may even hit rock bottom and some may last longer for people compared to others. We’re human and we have emotions and feelings we’re allowed to feel, memories we can’t seem to forget that’s not so happy and that’s perfectly okay. Focus on your future and not so much your past, but always keep the good/happy memories close to you. There’s so much to look forward to and enjoy in this world. Life is precious and we all only get one chance to live. It’s okay to struggle and just remember you’re never alone.

January 31, 2020 0